obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
