I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
