You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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