I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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