I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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