Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
