I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
