dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
