I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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