I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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