New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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