I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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