Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
