Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
