dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
