I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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