Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
they're like a gay fantastic four
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
