there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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