ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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