Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Is Oprah even human
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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