I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
