if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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