Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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