so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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