I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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