new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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