my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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