You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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