I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
