those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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