So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
