i think my tv is drunk
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
