im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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