oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
