My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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