where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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