it's not cheating when I paid for it
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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