I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
