He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
