You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
So vagazzling was a success
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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