Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
