eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
