nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
