The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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