There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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