he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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