I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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