i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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