everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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