i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize