It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
