4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
