I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
