I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm really busy with my period
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