worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
A+ Viking dick
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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