miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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