I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize