i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
