hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
he fucked my hip out of place.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
