Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
