Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize